


These Idiots Whose Problem Would Have Been Solved If They Just Talked for Ten Seconds

by divisionten



Series: To Infinity and Beyond [3]
Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Heartless Sora (Kingdom Hearts), Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:08:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26242417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/divisionten/pseuds/divisionten
Summary: Terra chases Sora around the castle with a giant plastic mallet.That was my prompt.You're welcome.(set after ∞:∞ but just a silly one shot, no knowledge is needed)
Series: To Infinity and Beyond [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1795954
Comments: 8
Kudos: 51





	These Idiots Whose Problem Would Have Been Solved If They Just Talked for Ten Seconds

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LicoriceRoll](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LicoriceRoll/gifts).



> You can thank Lico for this crack based plot bunny.
> 
> My regular stuff will be back soon! I'm in a few zines and a Big Bang, so once I've finished those larger projects, I'll be back to my regular fic.

“Sora? Are you sure about this?”

Sora bit his lower lip, shifting on the bed. He was seated on one of the plush sleeping areas meant for Keyblade acolytes studying at the Land of Departure’s castle.

Ventus’s, Aqua’s, and Terra’s home.

He’d been back a few months now, still a little shaken from his time under Joshua’s care. And on some days? He woke with ghost pains on his back, like he had wings again. But Riku was here, and **_fine_** , and leaning lazily against the doorframe, eyeing Sora- no wings, no timer, just a half-cocked grin on his face and his arms crossed. Everything was fine. Everyone was alive.

Well, except Vanitas, but that was a personal choice. Being a Reaper suited him too much anyway.

“You don’t have to do this, you know,” Kairi said, frowning, putting her hands on Sora’s knees, sitting on a simple wooden chair pressed next to the bed.

“Yeah, but… I turn into that monster sometimes, anyway. For no reason. I might as well learn to do it on command, right? Maybe control it… if I can.”

“And it’s better we’re here if he **_does_** go wild,” Riku added, scuffing a boot on the polished tile. “You’ve seen his Shadow, but you’ve never fought it. Sora’s a **_beast_** in that form.” Riku shuddered a little, rubbing a shoulder. “Firsthand experience.”

“I said I was sorry!” Sora whined.

“Hey, I don’t blame you. But you’re going to keep **_doing_** it unless you practice. Vanitas didn’t get his Unversed under control until he started managing his emotions. You just have to do the same.”

Kairi nodded, lightly slapping her palms on Sora’s knees. “Okay. Then I’ll be here to hug you back if there’s a problem.”

Riku looked at her with a raised eyebrow. “You’re going to… hug him?”

“Worked last time.”

Riku laughed, clutching his gut. “Fair.”

“So… what? How does Sora go all Heartless?” Kairi asked, looking at him with a newfound curiosity.

“I dunno. Sometimes it just happens. But I do know things that trigger it. Like… when I’m mad, or if I’m really hurt. Like the Heartless side of me is trying to keep me alive.”

“Hey, Sora.”

Kairi and Sora looked to Riku as he strode to where they sat.

“Hm?”

“Sorry in advance.”

Before Sora could think, Riku raised one stupendously muscular arm, wound up, and slapped Sora clean across the face to stunned silence.

“Riku!” Kairi cried in shock.

“Hey, it worked,” Riku replied, shrugging.

“It didn’t…” Kairi started as Sora blinked slowly, his eyes now solid gold. Panicked, she flailed backwards, knocking over her chair, her head slingshot backwards right into Riku’s crotch. He doubled over, groaning; the two toppled further into a confused octopus of limbs on the floor.

“Sometimes I forget you and Sora share one brain cell,” Kairi grunted as she slowly detangled herself from Riku, still quietly sobbing and holding his knees to his chest as she helped him sit upright. “Do you need ice?”

“I… I’ve had worse,” Riku admitted. “I think that hurt my pride as much as my balls.”

“Karma,” Kairi chided. “Wait.”

“What **_now_**?”

“Either Sora stripped while we were still here or…”

Riku heaved himself to standing, leaning on the upturned wooden chair for a little extra support. Sora’s clothes were on the bed, but as if he’d vanished out of them, not taken them off. His shirt was tucked into his pants, plaid accented jacket around it all and one gauntlet on the bed with the other slid to the floor.

“Fffffff-” Riku groaned, biting back a curse. “At least everyone was in the meeting this morning when Sora brought up his Heartless form. Look, his necklace is missing, he’s probably still wearing it, even in that form. Let’s just hope Aqua is smart enough to realize it’s Sora before we get to her.”

“We should let everyone know he’s loose. He can’t have gone far,” Kairi agreed. If anyone was smart enough, it was Aqua. But she was also the most defensive and might take out any Heartless with one swift magic blast, too.

“Remember to grab a broom before going around. We need some way to corral him.”

“Broom. Right. Like chasing out a cat.”

“Claws like one,” Riku muttered. “Let’s move, before someone shoves a keyblade right up his-”

“ ** _Phrasing_**.”

* * *

Sniff.

Sniff.

SniffSniffSniffSniff.

The tiny Shadow Heartless poked its head out of its own miniature pool of darkness, assessing the space it was in. It smelled people-food in the near vicinity, and some equally tasty hearts nearby. Lots of them.

If the Heartless had a mouth it would be salivating. It shook its head out and chirruped. There was something tangled up in its antennae, from when it first realized it existed. It clinked loudly, not quite a bell, but a metal-on-metal scrape that made it much less stealthy than normal. The little Heartless took a chance and scampered out in the open. It only smelled one heart, and it could take the one, couldn’t it?

* * *

Ventus slid into the kitchen soundlessly on a small ball of Aero. Yes, they’d just had their morning debrief over breakfast, but he was hungry again; a decade of slumber did amazing things to ones’ appetite it seemed.

Ven used his makeshift bouncy ball to punt him to the top cabinet. The one he Absolutely Positively Could Not Reach, so naturally, the one where Aqua placed all her cakes and pies to cool so nobody else could eat them. Or he could blame Terra if a cookie or two went missing, because everyone knew Terra took a few anyway and Aqua wasn’t going to complain to **_him_** that **_he_** was ruining his appetite for dinner.

 ** _Rude_**.

Ventus snatched a lidded glass container filled with Aqua’s newest experiment- Whipped Dream Brownie Bites (bite sized brownie cupcakes filled with sweet marshmallow cream). He floated downward to break into his ill-gotten pastry parcel when a single lone Shadow jittered out from under the kitchen table, clinking thanks to a chain twisted around its antennae. Ventus eyed it warily- it wasn’t lunging, for one, it seemed more preoccupied with the chain stuck on it than food or a “defenseless” heart, and for another, the entire world was heavily warded for Heartless. One would have to have been brought on the Land of Departure with intent.

He paused to consider the creature and noticed exactly what the chain was. It was Sora’s crown necklace. Ven laughed. Sora **_had_** mentioned he wanted to practice his transforming. It made sense there was a lone Heartless here, it was just a friend. Ven left the glass container on the counter and bent down to help.

“Sora, sit still.”

The Heartless recognized that name, and froze in place, unblinking gold eyes staring up at the breathing meat encased heart container.

Ventus looked down, shaking his head. “You **_idiot_** ,” he chuckled softly as he carefully untwisted the chain. The necklace was comically huge around Sora once untangled, almost scraping his knees when Sora stood upright.

The Heartless chirruped. This heart was not for eating, it reminded itself, though it didn’t quite know why.

“I’m going to leave that on you. You can’t talk like that, can you?”

The Shadow found itself swaying its head side to side for some reason. But the large living heart container seemed to understand the gesture.

Ventus gently picked up Sora and carried him like a small child up to the counter. “At least I can blame you for eating all the snacks,” he chuckled. “Oh, don’t look at me like that. You can have some too. Heartless **_can_** eat people food, right?”

Sora was deposited gently on the countertop and began sniffing the glass container. It smelled divine. Ven wrenched off the lid, holding out a treat. Sora snatched it, pulling it to his face. One moment it was there, and the next, it had vanished, despite the lack of a face. A faint memory of marshmallow remained on his mind, as Sora did a full body shake, coming completely back to his senses.

He thought he’d just be the brackish purple-black creature he vaguely remembered turning into when angry on the battlefield- him, but **_not_**. He hadn’t been such a little Shadow in years.

Ventus eyed him, concerned. “You okay, Sora?”

Sora nodded enthusiastically, diving into the tray for another treat. It vanished in an eyeblink. He looked up at Ventus, his sense of perspective warped. The other Keyblade wielder had smears of chocolate all over his face like a small child. Sora hopped down off the counter, splattering into a little pool of darkness as he did so. He panicked a moment, before reminding himself it was normal for Heartless, unbelievably useful to boot. He slink his way around to the far side, popping up to grab a paper towel, wet it in the sink, and brought it back to Ven, who had nearly destroyed the entire tray.

“Oh, snap, uh, thanks.” Ventus took the offered napkin as Sora helped himself to the last two brownies, chirruped, and slunk off, smirking mentally to himself to go find Riku and sneak up on him. Only fair for slapping him senseless.

* * *

Terra yawned. Slowly, he rolled up out of bed, stretching. He’d been a possessed suit of armor for a solid decade; having his old body back was still a work in progress. Especially after Xehanort had abused the thing.

“God, the old fart needed to exercise more,” Terra groaned as he rolled out of bed to do a plank.

A dark pool of purple-black goo slid across his floor, then rose up and shook itself out. A singular moment passed between Terra and Sora, as the latter realized in a panic that he’d gone the wrong way through the castle and into the master bedroom instead of the acolyte wing.

Sora dove to the floor just as Ends of the Earth struck stone tile, shattering a section of the floor. Terra looked on in surprise. “Aqua will kill me if I damage anything… well, anything else,” he hissed, dismissing the Keyblade to resort to hand-to-hand violence.

Sora slipped out and back under the crack under the doorway, surfing at surprising speeds back towards the smell of hearts. **_Anyone_** other than Terra would be good.

Well, almost anyone, Sora realized, as he surfaced again to a stained glass lit central chamber.

Aqua pointed a blade to his throat.

* * *

Ventus skidded on Aero into the main chamber, breathing hard. “Aqua, Aqua!”

She turned her head for a second before peeking back at the lonesome stray Heartless. It had reverted to a pool of purple, trying to hide with her own shadow. She creased her brow and spun, surprised to find the Shadow keep up inside her own. No matter. It would come up for a snack soon enough.

“Aqua, don’t hurt him. That’s Sora.”

Aqua blinked twice. He did mention he had a Heartless form, hadn’t he? She didn’t expect it to be just a simple Shadow.

“It would explain why he’s not attacking,” she agreed, dismissing her keyblade in a shower of sparks before bending over and petting the tile next to where he was pooled up.

The Heartless emerged from the floor, waving bashfully at Aqua.

“Oh no,” Aqua said deadpan. “You’re **_cute_**.”

“Right?” Ventus agreed.

“So, what, did you want to practice dodging?” Aqua asked him, fixing the twice-twisted chain around Sora’s neck. “I can get a boffer sword or a Struggle bat. I wouldn’t want to accidentally hit you with a Keyblade.”

Sora considered it a moment. Well, he was already here. It was that or turn back and face Aqua’s relentless Keyblade drills, so he nodded energetically.

“This is the strangest thing,” she admitted, going to the side of the giant room to hunt in a supply crate for something far less lethal. “You can’t talk like that, can you?”

Sora shook his head no, then chirruped.

“Make that sound if I’m being too harsh.”

Sora was a little surprised by that. Normally, Aqua was the strictest teacher by a mile. He supposed it was because it was new to him.

Heck, he hadn’t even realized who he was until he’d eaten, either. Taking it slow made sense.

Until he was soundly smacked into a far wall by a surprise Struggle bat.

Sora imagined that must be what it felt like to be a Struggle ball. He shook himself out, pooled up into the floor, and felt the room around him. He could feel Ventus’s and Aqua’s hearts, but not what direction they were facing (and a third one, a little further away, who could have been anyone). He only knew which was which by their placement. Ven was standing still, while Aqua was moving slowly. Carefully, Sora slunk near the one moving, and burst from the floor, only to come face to face with a surprised, pacing Ventus.

Ven shrieked and fell on his rear, then hissed low. “Aqua is that way!”

Sora shook himself out as Aqua lunged forward, hitting a home run square in Sora’s chest, sending him soaring all the way to the other entrance to the hall.

And this was Aqua **_holding_** **_back_**.

The door burst open. “Everyone okay?” a gruff voice asked.

Sora looked up, dazed, to see Terra towering over him with a Wonderland croquet mallet, not a flamingo, but plasticky rubber, brightly colored, with an accordion fold.

And still- if Aqua and her Struggle bat were any indication- extraordinarily painful.

* * *

Terra surveyed the scene with his battle honed senses. Aqua poised in an offensive stance, Ven on his behind, startled; he’d definitely heard his scream. And, when he looked closer, the Heartless was wearing Sora’s necklace.

This was no ordinary Shadow. This was boss tier.

Terra wound up and struck down, screaming bloody murder as the plastic mallet merely squeaked under the compression. But he’d missed his mark. The Shadow had fallen into a flat mass in the floor, gliding away towards the far side of the room. Slower than before, Terra noted. Aqua had at least damaged it. Maybe if they all worked together, they could avenge Sora and hopefully retrieve his eaten heart before the idiot child generated yet another Nobody.

How many Not-Soras was he up to anyway? **_Five_**?

Terra hefted the plastic mallet back up and chased after the steadily zooming blob. It would come back up for another attempt at heart abduction soon enough, and he’d be ready.

“Terra, wait!” Ven cried. Probably to warm him that the Shadow was way tougher than it looked, or that it had already eaten Sora. Terra didn’t have time to wait. He knew that already. He needed to act. To protect his family.

He barreled down the hall, nearly knocking down Kairi in the process, skidding to a halt.

She was holding the Sora-eating Heartless.

Like a baby.

And it wasn’t attacking.

“What… the?” Terra asked, the fight deflating out of him. Leave it to a Princess of Heart to tame even a rampaging monster. Next, she’d probably start singing to get the local wildlife to do her chores for her.

“ ** _You’re_** what Sora was running from,” Kairi accused.

“I… what?! That Heartless **_ate_** Sora.”

“This Heartless **_is_** Sora,” she corrected, curtly. “You slept through the morning meeting. Sora can do this.”

The Heartless in Kairi’s arms nodded, tiny arms wrapped around Kairi’s neck.

Terra heard footsteps behind him, Aqua and Ven finally caught up.

“Thank Kingdom Hearts,” Aqua said, out of breath. “Sora? I think that’s enough for today, don’t you?”

“Wait, but why?” Terra looked between them.

“Sora was training evading me, and snuck up behind Ven, surprising him.”

Slowly, Terra nodded, then faced Sora, still surprised that the kid could do such a thing. “Okay. Okay. Makes sense. But why were **_you_** in my room?”

Sora chittered, let go of Kairi, then pointed around in random directions.

“I think he got lost,” Ven suggested. “He looked confused when he ended up in the kitchen earlier too.”

“I can’t imagine what it’s like to slide around on the floor like that,” Aqua agreed. Sora nodded.

“I.. I almost **_killed_** you!” Terra cried out.

Sora shook his head no, pointed to Aqua, then made a slicing motion on his own throat.

“‘More worried about Aqua?” Ven laughed. “We all are.”

“Why aren’t you just changing back to talk?” Aqua asked. “No offense, but charades is **_not_** your strong suit.”

Sora pulled on Kairi’s hooded dress.

“Oh.” Kairi’s eyes went wide. “Oh. Uh. He lost his clothes. You’re afraid you’d turn back naked, aren’t you?”

Sora nodded vigorously.

“Bedroom is this way,” Kairi said chuckling. “Maybe we can all talk after you change.”

“Clothes or bodies?” Ven asked.


End file.
